Tonight we discover that Robin Scherbatsky is a real human being who gets upset when an ex-boyfriend flaunts his whorish ways, Jennifer Lopez is a spiteful author and songs can be very catchy even if it only features one word.
Saget Ted opens with informing the children that Uncle Barney was found in the Hudson River on a March 2010 evening. A police officer asks what happened. Barney tells her that a week earlier a woman who looks remarkably like Jennifer Lopez hit on him and when he was sure he was about to seal the deal with the lady from the block, she seemed to lose interest and left his apartment.
Sounds like she read that book, “Of Course You’re Single, Look at Yourself You Dumb Slut”. Huh? Well Ted was reading Robin’s copy of the book. Ted asks Barney if JLo slipped the word “sex” into typical conversation. According to Barney’s memory, she replaced nouns and profanities with “sex” in her anecdote. Did she make excuses to establish physical contact with you? Yup, Jenny asked the Barnacle about the materials of his suit, then touched it. Okay well, tomorrow if you ask her out and she says something involving a garbage disposal, she is definitely following the advice of the book. She does! She’s really into the book, and Barney hates it, because it teaches dumb shit like not sleeping with a dude on the first date. In fact, seventeen dates is what you need to get with the chicas who follow the rules of the tome. And as it turns out, she isn’t just a client of the book, she is also the writer of the book. This just provokes Barney’s competitive streak into a whole other stratosphere.
Meanwhile Barney’s ex Robin is feeling out her co-worker Don. When Don calls and asks her out, Marshall answers in his best (pretty bad) Robin impersonation and agrees to go out with him (as long as she saves some prime rib for Marshall).
Lily points out that its quite the coincidence that Barney and JLo, two total opposites, have gotten together. Robin says, “Don’t confuse coincidence with fate, ho.” No she doesn’t. She says she sicked JLo on her as revenge. After Barney kept being Barney-esque in regaling the gang of his stories about bonking pilates freaks, Robin had enough and took JLo’s offer of fucking with Barney’s head.
This is when it got good: Ted comes to the rescue and tells Barney that if he wants to be victorious, he has to be like Ted during sweeps period. Or as he puts it, go on a “superdate.” Ted then explains how this incredibly gooey and romantic date will go via song, which Neil Patrick Harris is at first horrified by. “Ted, this isn’t the Academy Awards! You can’t just start singing like that! And where is your sparkly tux?!” Barney agrees to do it the Mosby way.
Robin informs Marshall she canceled her date with Don. It turns out Ted psyched her out when gushing about Barney’s upcoming “superdate”. Much like Marshall, Ted was also throwing it into Robin’s face about how much sex Barney has been having, to the tune of “Bang bang/bangedy bang/bang bang bangedy bang”. Ted, Marshall and Lily tell Barney that Robin has been hiding her grief over their breakup this whole time, and the visuals that go along with their explanation is quite heartbreaking. Sniffles for reals. Barney is so disgusted by it all he barfs into his precious Storm Trooper helmet. Woah man. Lily says Robin has been particularly upset about the “superdate” and has secluded herself in some unknown place. “I know where she is.”
At the shooting range, Robin tells Barney she’s annoyed that she never got the “superdate” treatment. (Not even with Ted?) Barney feels bad and promises to not have sex with Jenifer Lopez and gives her the amazing night she always wanted, with Don playing the role of “The Man”.
JLo shows up at McLaren’s asking Barney what the deal is. Barney says she made a promise to a friend and he’ll have to decline any further relations with her. “Oh so you’re trying the no treatment on me?” she asks. “You think that’s going to work?” It does. Lopez keeps bargaining until she agrees to fuck him before dinner. Barney still says no. When she whispers her final offer to him he walks out of the bar all the way to the Hudson River, and jumps in.
We’re back to where we started. The cop informs Barney he’s getting a $500 ticket for jumping into the river. “I hope it was worth it.” Fireworks go off in the New York night, and we see Robin and Don looking at it and then kissing. “I hope so too,” Barney says.
When asked how the date went, Robin is at first not forthcoming in any details before going into the “bang, bang, bangedy bang, bang bang bangedy bang” song. Revenge is sweet, and tuneful.
Etc. and so forth
Mike the cameraman is suddenly a recurring guest star! Too bad it’s as a hopeless slave for attractive women that will never touch him.
Things to say at Anita’s book signing
“A great guy like Don is rare, and speaking of rare, Prime Rib, don’t forget, thank you.”
“She cried? Like real tears?”
“Barney is back at it. Like bang, bang…bang bang bang. Bang bang bangedy bang and bang. I say bang bang, bangedy bang bang, bang bang bangedy bang.”
“That sounds gooey and romantic. Strip club?”
“I’m angry at you, I’m angry at Ted, and frankly I’m still angry at the empire!”
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