Weezer will be releasing an album titled Hurley, featuring Jorge Garcia on the album cover. However no songs on the album will have to do with the show Lost. This makes as much sense as the actual show.

Entourage will be ending next season, but they still might make a movie so people can say, “Why did I watch that movie even though I want to physically maim all of the characters?”

Jane Lynch will host the October 9th episode of SNL. The Association of Track Suit Enthusiasts applauds this.

Lynch and the rest of the Glee cast have gotten the comic book treatment.

The new cast of Survivor: Nicaragua will split the groups by their age. Also Jimmie Johnson, former head coach of the Dallas Cowboys Jimmie Johnson, is a cast member on the show. I might actually watch!

Danny McBride and Rhys Darby are the early front-runners in the Who Wants To Replace Steve Carell on The Office? contest. If McBride punches Dwight in the face at least once in every episode I’d be all for his hiring.

The median average age of a Fox News watcher is 65 years old. CNN’s is 63 and MSNBC’s is 59. So why do they bother airing at night?

Lorne Michaels claims to be a South Park fan. Anything to convince the young kids that he’s hip and not square.

General Beckman has been promoted to a regular cast member on Chuck. Will that make her less annoying?

TV Guide released a list of the top money makers on television. The most wealthy actor going right now is Hugh Laurie, who is netting 400 grand an episode. AN EPISODE!

Party Down will be available for digital downloading on September 24th, and will reappear on Netflix instant by the end of the year. Starz can still go to hell for canceling the show.

DirectTV saved Damages from cancellation. Eventually the satellite company will scoop up every single critically-acclaimed and low-rated show in the world. Except Party Down…dammit.

Joshua Jackson held a “Pacey-Con” across the street from Comic-con. He even dressed like Mr. Witter. Joshua Jackson is a cool guy who doesn’t know what to do with himself when Fringe isn’t filming is what I got out of this story.

John Oliver will now be a series regular on Community. Hopefully he will have to defend the English soccer team and use a string of profanities in his counter-argument.

Justin Bieber showed the Twitterverse a shot of him guesting on the Season Premiere of CSI as some sort of jailbird. That’s right girls: he’s a bad boy too.

Family Guy will release a third Star Wars spoof on DVD December 21st. Just get it out of your system already guys.

Snooki’s dad understand his daughter’s appeal. Crazy old men thinking you need talent to have appeal, psh.

Linda Hamilton will play Chuck Bartowski’s mom on Chuck this fall. Yay Terminator puns!

Olivia Munn will join Dolph “I Must Break You” Lungren on the season premiere of the aforementioned spy-comedy show thing.

USA will produce and run a Burn Notice prequel focusing on Bruce Campbell’s character. I’m pitching the title Smoke Notice.

Remember when you had that dream of a live-action Fairly Oddparents? Well guess who Inceptioned your ass!

Tina and Artie from Glee are totes datingggggg. Yay real life mimicking art.

Meth cookers are getting inspired by Breaking Bad Boo real life mimicking art.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg will show up on The Simpsons. You probably already read this on your News Feed.

Jon Hamm will also appear on the show that will never die.

30 Rock’s Tracy Morgan will have his own one hour comedy special on HBO this November. I will gather my entire family over to watch it after our Thanksgiving dinner! (I’m rather passive aggressive.)

The dude who threatened Trey Parker and Matt Stone was arrested for saying he was going to Terrorism School. South Park next season is going to be crazy.

Apparently the staff at House go to strip clubs, get drunk, do cocaine and fuck in trailers. And someone is suing the show for that for some reason.

The Office writer/producer B.J. Novak, who also of course plays hipster-in-training Ryan Howard signed a two-year deal to stay on the show, which indicates the show plans to continue without Michael “Albatross” Scott.

Bored To Death will join Eastbound and Down for premiering their second season premiere on September 26th. The title is ironic because only the first few episodes of the show were boring.

David Cross has joined the Will Arnett starring show of Running Wilde. I’d love for the show to just devolve into characters asking each other if they think there will be an Arrested Development movie.

It was revealed that Saturday Night Live wrote a movie titled The Saturday Night Live Movieback in 1990. Obviously it never made it to the filming stage and not so obviously most of the bits Al Franken wrote are long since dated and sound awful.

Entertainment Weekly featured a promotional photo for the Lost epilogue coming out August 24th. Looks like Ben is still rocking the satchel.

This thing reveals which episodes the actors submitted to get their Emmy nominations. Jon Hamm and John Slattery went with “The Gypsy and The Hobo”. Christina Hendricks went with the one with the severed toe.

Beavis and Butt-Head might possibly probably will be coming back! Music videos will be snarked on again!

Jay Leno’s ratings are virtually the same as Conan O’Brien’s one year ago. What else is there to say?

January Jones and Jason Sudeikis are dating. As Warming Glow said, Sudeikis must be doing his What Up With That? dance nightly.

A Mad Men actress is posing nude for Playboy. No not her. No not her. No not even her. Lawnmower lady. Yeah…don’t think this will sell well in Britannia.

Michael Showalter launched a new web series. That he isn’t in.

FX announced that Sons of Anarchy, the best show I haven’t seen yet but totally will soon I promise premieres September 7th. It’s Always Sunny… and The League will start anew on the 16th.

Amy Ryan will in fact be returning to The Office next season to reprise her role as Holly Flax, in effect saving the show. Hopefully Kathy Bates won’t have to cut off an appendage to get her to move back to Scranton.

Ambe Tamblyn will join those crazy kids on House. You may know her as Joan of Arcadia and the the only person under the age of 50 interviewed in the Kerouac Big Sur documentary. Okay maybe you don’t know that. Well now you do. Watch documentaries on books once in awhile. She’s also David Cross’s girlfriend. She’s as cool as the idea of Zooey Deschennel.

HBO has ordered a Dustin Hoffman starring, David Lunch written series called Luck, a show involving horse racing. Dustin Hoffman is my favorite actor who is under 5 feet tall.

Betty White will be playing an Anthropology teacher in at the very least the season premiere of Community. Watch out Big Bang Theory! Old people!

Funny story: Tosh.O is pulling better ratings than The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Only South Park attracts more eyeballs for Comedy Central.

Jon Benjamin is finally getting his own show on Comedy Central. It involves a van. But no horse racing.

Shaq vs. Justin Bieber: this summer on ABC. FINALLY!

The final episode of The Hills took place this week apparently. The twist that was revealed at the end – that the entire series took place in Perez Hilton’s mind – was interesting to say the least.

Glee’s resident moron Brittany will get her moment in the sun in the Britney Spears themed episode planned for next season, which will begin September 21st. She’d write about in her diary but her cat would read it.

Joe Jonas will appear on Hot in Cleveland next month. More like Hot in My Living Room If You Know What I’m Sayin!

Melina Kanakaredeseseses left CSI:NY a few months before their viewers do when it moves to Friday nights. On CBS!

john Krasinski married Emily Blunt one week after Jenna Fischler tied the knot. I’d love to see what Creed’s wedding would look like.

The Daily Show is not sexist, says the women who work at The Daily Show. Oh what do they know?

CBS says the 0 in Hawaii-Five-0 is a zero and not a capital O. O really?

J-WOWW launched a clothing line titled “Filthy Couture.” Hey, the girl knows where her slutty bread is buttered.

Desmond Hume will time warp to Law Order: SVU for at least two episodes next season. Maybe the judicial system could have determined who should have had control of the island.

Meanwhile everyone’s favorite Juliet abuser Radzinsky will show his nerd face on Weeds.

Ditto the dude from Jaws.

A Mad Men season 4 cast photo makes it seem that Ken Cosgrove somehow finagled his way to Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. Also, Peggy is ten years ahead of her time with a Marty Tyler Moore cut.

Javier Bartem and Snoop Dogg both aren’t going to be on Glee next season. Not yet officially anyway.

But Glee is definitely working on a Britney Spears tribute episode.

TV Land decided to renew Hot in Cleveland, since it’s the highest rated show they’ve ever had. Hey you know who didn’t renew Cleveland? LeBron James. Oh dip!

Jason Segel married a couple of crazy kids on the Leno thing.

Alec Baldwin reiterates he’ll be leaving 30 Rock and continue to make poor decisions for himself in 2012. Maybe he’ll replace Michael Scott?

Louis C.K. talked it up on NPR this week.

Skeet Ulrich won a bet and has been named the lead on Law and Order: LA.

Hayden Christensen and his bro are suing USA Network for apparently stealing their idea for the show Royal Pains. They’re actually admitting to coming up with that idea?

Forget who actually got Emmy nominations: look at all of the bullshit snubs!

Brian Austin Green has signed on to work on Desperate Housewives next season, a week after marrying Megan Fox. Green probably thinks he’s having the best few weeks of his life, when in fact…

Urkel allegedly smacked his baby mama around. Carl Winslow was on the scene. No he wasn’t.

We’re on Tumblr 24/7, bringing you this news like it’s our very poorly payed job.

Steve Carell will finally be leaving The Office after the upcoming season. As long as Creed is still around, good riddance.

The BET Awards was the second highest rated telecast in the network’s history. First was last year’s MJ tribute heavy affair. Suck it, Daytime Emmys!

Modern Family will be syndicated on USA Network while Glee will run in perpetuity on Oxygen. Both shows are syndicated to your computer right now.

Javier Bardem will be guest starring on the aforementioned Glee next season. I guess we’ll finally find out what REALLY happened to Artie.

Larry King Live will definitely suffer a major blow when Larry King steps down from his hosting duties. Did you guys know he’s only 76 years old? Comedians have implied at least 500 years more than that!

Only the good die young.

Fortunately sometimes so does the shitty.

NBC likes Persons Unknown so much it is moving the series to Saturday nights. During the summer.

IFC acquired Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared and began running the ol’ F&G on Friday. I hope IFC doesn’t run the 17 or so episodes of Freaks and Geeks to the ground by showing them over and over again. Or do I?

Get a head start on judging the cast of this year’sBig Brother by watching this video.

Richard Alpert, a.k.a. Nestor Carbonell, a.k.a. Eyeliner Smith, will play Shawn’s “rival” on Psych. Bum bum bummmmmm.

The It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia power couple opened up an honest to goodness Mac’s Tavern.

Jimmy Kimmel actually got more viewers than Fallon and Ferguson over the last three months.

Khole Kardashian and Lamar Odom are getting their own reality show. I sincerely am asking what took so long.

Jane Lynch will be creeping out the kiddies on iCarly.

Party Down was officially canceled today, because apparently you need viewers to stay on the air. Really Starz? Two hundred airings of Year Zero is going to do that much better in the ratings? The answer to my question is no absolutely not. And don’t get me started on Gravity.

At the very least, “Constance Carmell Wedding” was a really good series finale which gave most of the characters a bit open-ended but otherwise satisfying ending.

R.I.P. Party Down.

Spoiler alert: Mad Men season four will involve telephones and looking out a window.

15-year-olds can now audition for American Idol, get off my lawn.

True Blood was renewed by HBO for a fourth season. “Some people like it for some reason,” said HBO in a press release.

Andy Rooney will never retire. But he can certainly die.

Jimmy Kimmel broadcast from his laptop on Monday because of some power outage in his studio. Shenanigans?

The men of Jersey Shore posed shirtless for the cover of Village Voice. They are the gift that keeps on giving.

Welcome back to Weeds Jennifer Jason Leigh and Alanis Morissette.

Now both Ellie Kemper and Mindy Kaling from The Office have book deals. What have ya’ll accomplished?

Conan O’Brien has a bald spot. He is no longer funny to me.

A Bit of Fry and Laurie will have a big ol’ British reunion this fall on British TV, which isn’t in America. The Internet will save us, as always. And yes, THAT Hugh Laurie.

The next new episode of Breaking Bad will be in July! 2011. That is exciting. Ly awful news. I screwed that up.

Jason Segel thinks How I Met Your Mother should take an apocalyptic turn. Of course he’d think that. Because that’s genius.

Jonny Lee Miller will be on six episodes of Dexter where he will probably play the killer. What? That has to be it right?

For some reason Breaking Bad was not renewed for a fourth season until the day of the season finale.

The Situation: The Rap song.

They’re re-releasing the first three seasons of Boy Meets World on DVD, but still wont budge on the seasons after that. Why? Because the world is an unfair place.

The first official image of season 4 of Mad Men is this thing. Roger looks annoyed! Sorry for the spoiler.

Craig Ferguson will be hosting Shark Week. Did you guys know sharks have weeks dedicated to Craig Ferguson? You didn’t know that because it is not true.

Joel Godard did not want to stop being a creepy old guy for Conan O’Brien.

Some old person claims WPIX is ageist.

Gabe is now a series regular on The Office. Another win for the meek.

Four Jersey Shore peeps will be shitcanned and be released into the wild before season three. Also, there’s going to be a season three. This is kind of our fault.

The premiere of Hot in Cleveland was TV Land’s highest rated show ever. Even better than a random I Dream of Jeannie episode?

Zach Morris will be in an episode of Weeds this season. Dennis Haskins is waiting by the phone.

Snoop Dogg sang a song about Sooki from True Blood. Personally I think his rap about Uncle Leo was way better.

Bethenny Getting Married? was the highest rated premiere in Bravo history. I’m unfamiliar with this part of the universe.

Ricky Gervais will laugh like a hyena on Curb Your Enthusiasm at some point next season.

Seinfeld has made 2.7 billion dollars since it’s been off the air. That’s billion with a fucking B. Kramer can definitely afford cable now.

Maura Tierney is officially healthy enough to go back to work. Sadly not for a Newsradio reunion.

The “You are now on a horse” Old Spice guy got himself an NBC development deal. You’re on a horse, look now, you’re now shaking your head at the television business…

Conan O’Brien and Jack White recorded an album of covers. Sometimes unemployment makes people do weird pointless things.

David Hasselhoff will be back on The Young and the Restless this upcoming week. Will he be sober? What about when Comedy Central roasts him in August?

January Jones got in a hit-and-run car accident and called Bobby Flay, someone she just met a few hours earlier, for help. HOLLYWOOD!

Fox renewed The Cleveland Show for a third season, because they’re forever trying to get Seth MacFarlane to forgive them for canceling him ten years ago.

People watched hockey!

Giuliana and Bill: still a thing.

Jimmy Fallon and Craig Ferguson called a late night truce, so now everybody who is a late night host gets along with everybody else. Hoo to the ray.

Uncle Phil was not thrown out of the mansion known as Earth onto the street known as Heaven just yet.

Lady Gaga may get her own Doctor Who episode. That’s both incredibly obvious and unheard of.

Season 2 of Eastbound and Down will premiere September 26th. Why not now? Now would be better.

Die Hard and 24 were going to do a crossover? Wow. Was Jack Bauer going to kill a helicopter with a car?

Julia Stiles, who is still alive, will be on Dexter next year.

John Stamos will play Emma’s dentist/lover next year on Glee. Dave Coulier eats spaghetti O’s from the can.

Torchwood will be a Starz! joint starting next summer. Heard good things.

For daily news updates check out our Tumblr. It’s not ugly and has a good personality!

R.I.P. Rue McClanahan

It’s finally here! The first ten minutes or so of Jersey Shore Season Two: The Slutquel

Ken Jeong made a heartfelt speech about his girlfriend’s breast cancer during the MTV Movie Awards, but it was kind of weird because he bookended it with talking about his penis.

Television should seriously begin to consider using a different prop newspaper. Apparently they’ve been using the same one for over twenty years.

HBO canceled The Life and Times of Tim, but there is a good chance it’ll be picked up elsewhere, so please get off the ledge.

Will Forte will appear on Parks and Recreation next season as he continues his quest to guest star on every NBC comedy program.

Olivia Munn’s tryout to be a Daily Show correspondent is straight legit. Expect a rise from teenage boys in interest in politics. And a rise.

Chace Crawford was arrested for pot possession, and for being so damn handsome.

R.I.P. Richard Dunn, a.k.a. the weird old white guy on Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job

The FCC had a $25,000 problem with American Dad giving a horse an erection. This stupid country!

CBS picked up Mad Love for midseason. It starts Minka Kelly and Jason Biggs but not Lizzy Caplan, so who cares.

Chris Jericho will be hosting a game show called Downfall, involving people throwing shit off of skyscrapers. Naturally, the headline to this story has the word “Extreme” in it.

Jim Parsons, Katey Cuoco and Johnny Galecki of Big Bang Theory want to get paidddddd.

Treme doesn’t qualify for any music related awards at the Emmys because blahblahblahstupidness.

Looking for a new dwarf/midget/little person wrestling reality show? Try Spike TV.

A new version of Thundercats is go!

Breakthrough with Tony Robbins will premiere July 27th. Until then you’ll have to get your confidence from someone else.

Jeff Zucker may get $30 million and a punch or two from Natalie Portman to get the fuck out of NBC.

Charlie Sheen will spend 30 days in jail and it will not cause delays for production on Two and a Half Men. So we’re still in television jail basically.

Dong Lover as Spiderman pleaz.

For daily news updates go to our Tumblr. Please?